Saturday, March 4, 2017

a little more than yesterday

the unexpected that pulls me in
yet another perspective I couldn’t see
a fantasy coming to fruition
a little stronger
a little more
without my consent
you become more permanent
like I’m newly enlightened
seeing with 20/20 and rosy lenses
I see how it is
and how it should be
one and the same
the past is clear now
only one logical path forward
one together. 

Saturday, April 9, 2016

red fish meets blue fish

you slip into my everyday
as if you were always a part of it
like my yesterdays must’ve included
some you-like shape in them
or else they were something qualitatively different,
like off yellow,
or one uneven side that sticks out funny.
since you’ve come about,
i’ve got this colorful spot,
this new angle in my brain
that makes me more trusting,
more questioning,
more compassionate,
more aware,
more better.
and it grows when you’re nearby.
my most precious commodity is yours to steal and play with,
you treat it with care, use it well, and give it back well spent and with afterglow. 
I wanna give you my regular tuesdays,
take more of your mundane mondays,
and keep helping each other think we can understand and change this funky blue ball floating in blackness that we happen to inhabit. 
you make it less shadowy in these grey folds of matter, and that’s a better plane to be in. stay awhile. 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Tick tick tick

so many insecurities,
so much fuck giving, 
squashed into so little time.
twenty three hours to convince you i’m sane,
normal,
worth keeping,
so we could repeat this dance next week.
this one day
that i look forward to since the moment you leave
that makes me more anxious than if you just go for gone.
so just do it already
just say goodbye cuz I know you will
sooner or later,
probably sooner.
you can’t possibly know all the invisible weights i carry around,
brought with me into this union we share.
you think there’s two of us
but it’s you and me plus the ghost of every bad relationship past
and you’re doing everything right
but still i expect the knives and walls to come.
I’m just waiting,
waiting.
impatiently
waiting.

Post script: he must've read this because he followed my suggestion and broke up with me twenty minutes later. 

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Scary Mary

I maybe like you a little too much. 
I get a bit too excited too fast,
A little too eager, too quick to touch,
And the moment you pull back
because “it’s all so new"
the old panic emerges from times past,
that frenemy who’s never through
waiting to prove once more
that no one will love me
everyone will leave me
and really I should have expected it
as a strong independent woman would
of which I am neither.
just a weak pathetic thing,
capable of nothing but getting hurt
again
and again
and once more,
for good measure.

I say I fooled you
to think I’m sane
go on, laugh as I do
and I will feign
so good you won’t expect her
Scary Mary
Stage Four Clinger
paranoid,
distant,
accusative,
abandonment fearing,
baggage-laden,
trusting no one but her own derailed train of thought
that crashed way back down the track
but kept on wrecking everything it caught.
and your eyes glitter
as they stare into my own,
twisted and bitter
just around the bend from crazy town.  

Monday, March 30, 2015

Homesick

You run your hands through my hair,
rub my back,
tell me it’s going to be ok,
and in your arms, in the dark, I can almost believe you.
Almost, but not enough to stem the tears,
the stream that soaks through your t-shirt,
so that even when I think you can’t know my silent pain,
you feel it too, as sure as the cold spot on your chest.
When I’m not with you, there’s an ever present uncertainty,
a never ending panic of not knowing if I’ll see you again,
not knowing if this was my last time with you,
not knowing if I can ever feel for someone else
a fraction of what I feel for you. 
In short, it’s like not knowing if I’m ever coming home.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Disappearance of the Already Lost

from the mightiest mountain
to the deepest ditch
where holding my hand feels like a curse
as if I can’t go on on my own
I pretend like i don’t need it
but the moment you drop it
I’m frozen in place
unable to move my feet 
out of my own personal quicksand,
silently drowning in my misery
wishing you would turn around
but knowing you’re too proud,
I just slip away
as the ground swallows up all traces
of a sad, lost shadow.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Fighting For Light

you’re with me everywhere I go
I can’t shake you
lose you
get you off my scent

you’re my shadow
but more malevolent
closer to black than grey
and strongest in the dark,
weakest in the day. 

I delve into distractions,
hoping to push you away
but you always come sneaking back
with the creeping minutes to midnight
pulling me down into your lair
claiming me once more as your own.

with every tear my pillow catches
you think you’ve won,
that now i’m yours for good
but you’re the fool
because the battle’s not done.

I will fight for happiness,
fight for that glow,
and I will beat you,
maybe not tonight
but some night
I shall walk without my shadow.